Meditator's guide to "borderline passing" Part 1

So, you spend 18 hours per day watching hentai, playing dota or even World of Warcraft? Getting wasted after clubbing every night? Taking 3 jobs to support your demands for branded goods? Whatever the reasons are (or excuses), you NEED to pass your subjects. As a borderline passing student (and more often than I would like, an almost passing student), I would like to come up with the greatest guide ever made for degenerates. One day, when you are looking back, marijuana in hand, hippie girlfriend underneath, you would thank me profusely for giving you a fighting chance in college, university or whatever institution you were in.


1. Aim low





Beggars can't be choosers. The usual passing mark is 50-60. Aim for that. Occasionally, a university would grant students who got marks which are a little lower than the required marks a consented pass. Aim for that too if you feel lucky. Always know how many marks you need in order to pass. Common sense tells us that we need about half the marks of each assessment to pass the subject. But what happens if you got a zero for one? Usually, you're screwed, but the best option there is would be to control the damage by aiming higher for other assessments. Assuming Jose missed his class test worth 30% because he was banging some asses the night before, he would automatically need to score 50/70 for his finals if there are no other assesments. This is not good news for Jose because Jose can't even count the number of fingers in his ass. There are things Jose could do to improve his chances, and I will get to that later.


2. Know your limits





Lets be honest, degenerates can't do shit. If you feel that the odds are too high against you in order to pass the subject, drop it while you can. If not, just let the subject go. Concentrate on the other ones or you will end up seeing more "Fail"s than you can count. Minimize losses and do whatever you can. In the above scenario, Jose has fucked up his class test. He doesn't even know the name of the subject, nor does he even know who the lecturer is. He did not attend any classes and knows more about the female genitalia than this subject. Even if he starts studying today, there may not be enough time to ace the finals. The strategic thing to do is to let it go. By letting that particular subject go, Jose would be pleased to know that he could have more time to harvest marijuana and revise for his remaining subjects.


3. Get the course materials





However much of a degenerate you are, you MUST get the books or notes you need. It helps last minute studying, even if it means the night before the exam. Think of your course materials like a porn collection. You may not need it now, but sooner or later, you will start digging for it. As a suggestion, Jose could steal a classmate's notes and then return it the next day after a photocopying session. However, I would not suggest returning it though. The bugger's handwriting was full of shit anyway. I swear, I could write better with a pen wrapped around the foreskin of my penis. Anyway, erm, lets move on.

4. The bell curve

The bell curve could either be an ally or destroy you. In most cases, if a subject is graded on a bell curve, all you have to do is do better than a number of students in order to pass. Hopefully the lecturer is only willing to fail 10% of the class. Given a class of 200, Jose has to score higher than about 20 students (the lecturer will probably omit the marks of a handful of students who did not even attempt the test). If Jose isn't about number 21 from the bottom, Jose is going to be chilling with the lecturer again in the coming semester. Jose can increase his chances of passing by sabotaging the 20 weakest students by any means necessary. He can also practice pronouncing "Honolulu" repeatedly with a cucumber in his mouth. That ought to help.


If all else fails, there is always the next semester. Don't be discouraged by anything. "Failure" is only a 7 letter word. Then again, so is "success". Either way, I think it was Thomas Edison who once said "I did not fail 999 times at making a light bulb. Instead, I discovered 999 ways of NOT to make a light bulb". I don't even know if I remembered this correctly, but I think that what he said was pretty inspirational. So far, I have discovered 145273 ways of NOT succeeding in getting laid.




Disclaimer: This guide is not intended for anyone with a penis size below 9 inches.

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Take a chill pill....

Its the point in time where almost every dude and dudette (note that I did not include fags because fags are not people and fags have no rights) my age is stressed up over studies. Exams are just around the corner and suicide rate has increased 69% within this week. With that in mind, I find this my responsibility to give everyone a breather (probably more than a breather for females) and take them away from the dreagery of their ordinary unfulfilling study lives because I am just that good of a person.....regardless of the fact that I am bored and need a break from studying myself.

Right until this point, I have no idea how am I going to do that without telling racist jokes. Everyone loves a racist joke and everyone loves gay jokes but I shall not get there for now. Just a random thought though, people say that a student's life is the best, and almost everything is better when compared to working. I have no idea what they are talking about.....not because I disagree, but because I have never worked before in my entire life.

This is so wrong considering the fact that I am 21 years of age. Younger people, with the smell of their mother's milk still fresh on their lips have probably been through more hardship than my 21 years of throwing the garbgage...which brings me to another point. Age is not a measure of how much you have been through. The older you are, the more likely you are to have commited major mistakes and sins in the past.

On a lighter note, the Brazilians recently crushed the Australians to the delight of most non-retarded people I know. A bias commentator that makes unintelligent remarks like "This is a goal which Brazil may not have deserved" will not hide the fact that your national team plays like a team of virgin girls with oversized tampons stucked up their love canals. You know, there was this program which was in search of a theme song for Australia's beloved soccer team. Thousands of songs were submitted, of which 12 entered the finals. It is my personal opinion (and the only opinion that matters) that the only song that the Australian soccer team deserves is "Auld Lang Syne" as they should be leaving Germany as soon as possible.

I am not much of a soccer fan, but I realised that sometimes football is not about who plays who but rather a matter of who does who. Rather than watching Serbia-Montenegro fumbling and letting 6 balls into their holes, we could all just sit back while their 11 players come to the field and bend over for the Argentinian players to do whatever they want. That way, almost nobody gets hurt and the money they saved from not hiring a referee could be used to get as much lubrication as they want. Same results anyway.

I hope this has been a lighthearted article and your lives are much more fulfilling. Good luck with your studies and may you not bend over in the exam hall.

Sleepless

The inability to sleep during the night does things to your mind. Sometimes, when you are in that state during the night, you are neither awake nor asleep. Everything feels so distant to you. Your mind wanders aimlessly, you feel the fatigue, and occasionally, you feel pain. Memories of the past resurface, voices of friends and families are heard at the back of your head, and its all one big fucking mess.

I can't bloody sleep. My eyebags have fallen victim to this abuse. I can't think straight now. Its 7.50 a.m and I have been awake all night. This is really fucked up. The sun has long been up, the fucking vehicles piss me off with their engine noises. Its spring here now, but it doesn't make a single difference.

In this state, I would love to drive, but Sydney roads aren't speeding friendly. I am not speeding for now anyway because I just recently crashed the car badly and my girl gave me a maximum speed of 140 km/h restriction. Talking about her, I miss her. In fact, I miss everyone. I miss Malaysia, but I ain't gonna take a bloody flight home until I pass most of my subjects this term. Failing too many more and I may have to pack my bags and take the next flight to Pakistan.

I am confused. I have been staring at a morph on the carpet for a long time. It isn't moving. Maybe I should stop bitching like a 14 year old gal who tells everything that goes on in her life on a blog. I am pissed. The morph still isn't moving. How can it die on me like that when my apartment has everything it needs? Fucking ungrateful bitch. I have ample food for it. Even the cockroaches in my apartment would agree.

Which reminds me, the cockroaches in my apartment are the toughest and smartest ever. They have evolved to become thinner to escape into crevices. The dumb ones have all been killed, leaving the intelligent ones. They bred, producing superb offsprings. After years of evolutionary natural selection due to my brother's attempt to eradicate them, I am left to deal with the aftermath. I'm so damn pissed because cockroaches can survive here despite my attempts to eradicate them, but the fucking morph just died on me. Bloody ungrateful.

I think I need frogs in my apartment. It should be able to get rid of the cockroaches. Bloody brilliant. Then to get rid of the frogs, I would introduce small alligators. Brilliant. I am a genius. In fact, every home should have frogs and alligators. Never mind if the alligator chews on your baby's balls. He would have turned out to be a prick anyway, since you could leave him unattended like that. Gosh, in fact, we should all add even more animals into our homes. We would build cages all over to seperate the kickass animals like tigers from loser animals like koalas. Which reminds me, koalas and kangaroos are bloody ugly. They deserve to be eaten. Anyway, back to my idea. With all these animals in your home, you can open it up to public and name it a zoo.

Talking about zoos, a bloody deer once took my KFC. That bloody whore. Someday I will eat the livers of its descendants. Wasn't it supposed to be vegetarian? Well, I guess the thought of meat is just too tempting for even devout vegetarians like deers. I mean, who wouldn't like the taste of salty warm meat in their mouth? Even vegetarians want it. By the way, Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian. He was smart and charismatic. People loved him, especially the Jews. I heard they loved him so much that they gathered in camps and did work in honour of him.

Gosh, I can't think straight anymore. Maybe I should go flush the morph down the toilet bowl or something later. I have a 640 aussie dollars phone bill staring at my face. I think I may have to pay it sometime soon. I am no longer making sense. I am officially a degenerate. Maybe I shall delete this post next week or something.

Come to think of it, I am starting to enjoy this. Maybe I won't need to buy a bottle of Dettol yet. Nice. Life rocks. I love skipping classes and failing courses. Okay, I better go before I spit out more retarded irrelevant comments. Good night. Or morning. Or whatever turns you on.

Stairway to heaven

Welcome to the stairway to heaven. The views I am about to force unto you are based on my rational, feminist, sexist, facist, comunist and male chauvinist views. They are as enlightening as Adolf Hitler's orgasmic speeches. So, sit back and relax while I tell you about everything you need to know about the world.